


the philosophers' meeting

by kurapikano



Category: Hunter X Hunter
Genre: Alternate Universe - College/University, Alternate Universe - High School, Chatting & Messaging, Crack, Gen, Trans Kurapika, adding tags as applied, she/they writing a he/they teehee, this is utter bullshittery
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-09-23
Updated: 2020-12-18
Packaged: 2021-03-08 03:27:23
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 5
Words: 3,243
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26608993
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/kurapikano/pseuds/kurapikano
Summary: just a chatfic bro. killua & gon are dumbass high schoolers and pika & leorio are college students, cool moment
Relationships: Kurapika/Leorio Paladiknight
Comments: 31
Kudos: 91





	1. aaaaah hand sanitizer

**Author's Note:**

> not me jumping on the bandwagon
> 
> anyway this is for when i don't wanna write formally but wanna crank out content/my stress relief/for fun stuff! mostly crack bc i have no braincells

_**[ killua zoldyck 😎** _ _has added: **Kurapika, gon !!,** and **Leorio** to a group chat. **]**_

_**[ killua zoldyck 😎** _ _has named the group: **poop room. ]**_

_**[ killua zoldyck 😎** _ _has changed their username to **god. ]**_

_**[ god** has changed **Kurapika** to **bark bark grr. ]**_

_**[ god** has changed **gon !!** to **dirt enthusiast. ]**_

_**[ god** _ _has changed_ _**Leorio** _ _to **senior citizen. ]**_

**god:** welcome kings 😎

 **bark bark grr:** die I hate you

 **god:** ok act like ur not feral or sumn. you probably already bit someone in ur first year of college stfu aries

 **bark bark grr:** sending you directly to hell rn.

 **dirt enthusiast:** HELP 💔 I DRAMK HAND SANITIZEIR

 **senior citizen:** first of all killua we are going to scrap behind the gas station tomorrow. second of all. what is wrong with your head gon

 **bark bark grr:** not a med student but I'm pretty sure you should maybe not drink hand sanitizer ❤

 **dirt enthusiast:** IT LOOKEF LIKE WATER ITS SLL LIWUIDY KILLIAAUA

 **god:** wtf don't look at me i drink windex daily i am beyond humanity i am above you so high if you die from drinking hand sanitizer maybe you should have thought about being built different like me

 **god:**. no but rly are you okay

 **dirt enthusiast:** oh yea im ok it just tastes really bad but i don't feel anything

 **senior citizen:** you two are what we call medical anomalies ❤ kurapika is a mental health anomaly. don't know what's wrong with him or why he's like that but we love him

 **god:** bullying the he/they already

 **bark bark grr:** THE HE/THEY??#_!@€€×;=

 **god:** am i incorrect. am i wrong. i know you and alluka drive the down with cis bus and it's incredibly swag 

**bark bark grr:** bye that's. I hate you so much but you're probably right

 **bark bark grr:** ceo of transing my gender

 **senior citizen:** WAIT speaking of that tell them what happened today

 **bark bark grr:** wdym

 **bark bark grr:** oh! wait oh my god. yeah

 **bark bark grr:** so today I was fucking. wearing lipstick y'know because I do what I want. literally just the thinnest layer of red because I don't want attention but I DO want to serve looks right and like

 **bark bark grr:** Chr*llo himself. ceo of having a forehead. was walking across campus while Leorio and I were and he stopped me and stared at me and I was like. "what do you want boiled fish ass looking bitch" except just the first four words sadly and he just.

 **bark bark grr:** he says to me.

 **bark bark grr:** "you need to apologize to god."

 **god:** IDQKJSH&#_×€@.#×\=;_$JJDSJ BYE THATS SO......tell him i said you don't need to apologize give him my number give him my discord. i'll tell him

 **dirt enthusiast:** didn't he wear like. blue lipstick when you were in sophomore year um!!! he looked like he had frostbite :(

 **senior citizen:** he LOOKS like he was put in a vat of boiling water and pulled out and left to dry in a clothes dryer. he LOOKS like his hairline got blown back by a mad shart

 **bark bark grr:** wait shut the fuck up I'm tearing up

 **bark bark grr:** a mad shart. I HATE you. I am about to cry.

 **senior citizen:** wait gon.......do you still feel okay.

 **dirt enthusiast:** yea :-) !! i ate a whole thing of pencil lead yesterday like the mechanical pencil stuff? i'm good :-))

 **senior citizen:** PARDON ME.......

 **god:** he literally did.......he actually did. like we were in english and he sat there and started eating it and said with his whole chest "do you have more"

 **bark bark grr:** and I'M bark bark grr. ok

 **god:** shut up you would have edited your eyes red on a shitty drawing app and posted it on vent tumblr with a caption like "you don't know my other side.......yet......" on it in some shaky font when you were twelve.

 **bark bark grr:** what the fuck I'm going to eviscerate you ❤

 **god:** pees cutely hee hee

 **dirt enthusiast:** like in first grade

 **god:** i'm going to hit you bap bap bap

 **god:** shut UP abt that RN.

 **senior citizen:** STOP......he told me about this a couple weeks ago i JUST got over it shut UP

 **bark bark grr:** sometimes you think your friends love you and then find out they kept something from you. I am beyond heartbroken. devastated. might drop into a coma from pure sadness. mourning rn.

 **god:** ur so dramatic

 **dirt enthusiast:** when we were in first grade killua peed himself because he couldn't ask in the middle of class and when he got up to ask after he had a widdle accident 😔 it lit rally hit the shelf 💔

 **bark bark grr:**?-?××$??$+?!.?÷_÷&=&€+)$(!_:&#&$&

 **god:** GON that's it we are SCRAPPING we are FIGHTINF BAP BAP BAP YOURE DEAD. RN. YOU NUST DIED

 **dirt enthusiast:** KSKJDAJDBD NO 💔 NOOO I LOVE YOU

 **god:** YOU DONT YOU DONT I AM ABOUT TO DENATURE YOUR PROTEINS

 **senior citizen:** no i'm gonna let this happen i want gon to go ham on this mf

 **bark bark grr:** agreed large agree Killua you are like a son to me but I will let you get your shit knocked rn

 **god:** apologize to god for being born you blonde bimbo mf

 **bark bark grr:** nvm Gon I'm gonna fight this feral catboy


	2. gorilla grip

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> kurapika cannot cook period

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> based off of real events. i Fucked Up

_**[ poop room ]** _

**bark bark grr:** in tears rn

 **god:** PLEASE somebody answer this is so funny i'm going to fuckigjg die

 **bark bark grr:** IT ISN'T FUNNY

 **dirt enthusiast:** WHAT???

 **senior citizen:** did you try to cook again. you need to stop that before you pass away

 **god:** PLEASNEJKQAJSHE HELP

 **bark bark grr:** I DID. YOU KNOW WHAT. I DID. I DID TRY TO COOK AGAIN. LEAVE ME ALONE I'M SO UPSET

 **god:** i'm weeping pairo tryin so hard not to laugh rn he looks like he's about to burst into tears from holding it in

 **god:** hold on let me

_**[ god** has added **pairo :)** to **poop room. ]**_

**god:** be free

 **pairo :):** "!#((#+$#((#*; help,, i have never been so glad to have gotten my eyes cured and yet i. pika pika i'm so sorry this is horrible

 **bark bark grr:** you're NOT YOU'RE NOT SORRY STOP LAUGHIGNFHHQHS

 **dirt enthusiast:** PAIRO HI

 **senior citizen:** the way we all got forced into shit nicknames but pairo gets to remain pure

 **god:** pairo is baby idk what you think

 **pairo :):** hi gon!! also ?? i am older than you you're a baby still

 **god:** i hate college students

 **_[ god_ ** _has changed **pairo :)** to **googoo gaga ]**_

 **bark bark grr:** NO. Everyone SHUT up literally. it's time for a eulogy

 **god:** YOU MAKE ME SO SICK FJWKKQHW YOU'RE SO DRAMATIC I HATE YOU SO BAD.

 **dirt enthusiast:** what HAPPENED

 **googoo gaga:** he tried to make pizza 💔

 **senior citizen:** KURAPIKA......

 **googoo gaga:** he was so proud. he had it all going so smoothly. the sauce and toppings were meticulous the oven was heated appropriately the dough was kneaded but the pan? not oiled. no spray no nothing. no non-stick. he was happy for the first time in 7 years and

 **googoo gaga:** when i say this pizza is CALCIFIED to the pan....💞💞

 **bark bark grr:** this is so mean but you're not wrong and I am so mad about it. the way I genuinely was using a knife as a lever to try and break it off and the KNIFE bent. I hate my life so bad

 **god:** it's got that gorilla grip 😼😼

 **senior citizen:** EXCUSE ME. killua shut the FUCK up nobody likes you or your skateboard. kurapika. we love you. i love you. but what is wrong with your head ❤️

 **bark bark grr:** hold me, Leorio. stop being a mean boyfriend and hold me

 **senior citizen:** this is only out of love because when we graduate and move in together or whatever comes first i need to know you won't burn the entire house down putting a tv dinner in the microwave

 **god:** PELAKSJQKQJEQJSUQJD HELP HELP KURAPIKA LIVING OFF UBER EATS FR

 **bark bark grr:** divorce

 **senior citizen:** pika

 **bark bark grr:** no

 **senior citizen:** pika 🥺🥺🥺

 **bark bark grr:** NO

 **senior citizen:** 🥰🥰🥰

 **googoo gaga:** watching kurapika try to be steely even though he was dissociating to hello kitty last night

 **bark bark grr:** there is no love in this chat only hate

 **senior citizen:** we hate killua the most

 **god:** i will put nutella in your shoes and let it sit until it calcifies worse than kurapika's "pizza"

 **bark bark grr:** I HATE you 


	3. who gon check me poo

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> hell feral violence biting anger murder kill

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> its 3 am
> 
> cw dogs being evil, meds
> 
> ALSO ALSO ALSO i'm native so trust me im not some weirdo making rez jokes without knowing a damn thing (@ fellow natives kwekwe) these are somewhat based on personal experience

_**poop room** _

**senior citizen:** kurapika do you want to share with the class

 **googoo gaga:** i'm done with you i'm FINISHED i

 **bark bark grr:** HE ASKED FOR IT he asked for it. if I beat up chrollo. I didn't because I did. no I didn't ❤️

 **senior citizen:** in tears. why did i have to be soulmates with a feral aries

 **bark bark grr:** THERE'S NO REASON HE SHOULD HAVE BEEN NEAR MY REZ. LUSSIE DOESNT WANT YOUUUUU i hope he gets torn to shreds by a rez dog. 😐

 **god:** hold on what 😭 what the fuck is a rez dog

 **googoo gaga:** imagine your insane ass dog but 10× worse

 **god:** 😀😐 what are you trying to say about mikē

 **googoo gaga:** i'm saying your huge dog probably eats babies

 **god:** he tackled you ONCE why don't you try not being short

 **bark bark grr:** not to interrupt but I am uncomfortable when talk is not about me?

 **dirt enthusiast:** WE KNOW pls i have 2 sit there while you "tutor" me aka brag about your science grades and then talk about yourself you LOVE to hear yourself talk

 **bark bark grr:** i. 😐 why would you ever say that. to me, an indigenous trans he/they aries with trauma

 **god:** YOUUU MAKE ME SO SIIIIICKKKKKKKUHHHH. ROAAACHEESSSS

 **bark bark grr:** leorio your silence during my time of need isn't appreciated

 **senior citizen:** you're all batshit i'm a med student i have responsibilities i'm sorry i'm the only one who knows how to click submit on my assignments after actually doing them ok go to bed

 **googoo gaga:** WAIT IM AOQO1OWDJ

 **bark bark grr:** killua change this nickname it's boring.

 **god:** i literally cannot express my contempt for you you're worse than mr hill

 **bark bark grr:** WHAT

 **googoo gaga:** hey that's a little far king ✋🙄‼️

 **bark bark grr:** BITING HATRED VIOLENCE MURDER EVIL KILL ATTACK PUNCHING HITTING SCREAMING EVISCERATION NEVER COMPARE ME TO THAT RAT AGAIN I HATE YOU

 **senior citizen:** kurapika did you take your mood stabilizers and that's not a joke i'm genuinely concerned

 **bark bark grr:** and for what

 **senior citizen:** 1\. answer the question you bastard 2. you got in four fights this week two of them physical keep getting upset and you spent like $200 last night buying animal crossing bells

 **bark bark grr:** they make me nauseous 😐 i don't like them

 **dirt enthusiast:** ok real tbh meds are wack i tell you what i never shake worse than when i take adhd meds

 **god:** prozac got me like 💃✨

 **senior citizen:** so instead of bringing that up to your psych you just. don't take them i

 **googoo gaga:** [kurapika's dad's voice] i'm not mad i just expected more

 **bark bark grr:** STOP i hate that. why do you have to be right all the time. he read my birth chart last week and shot so many holes in my psyche i almost spiralled

 **googoo gaga:** WHAT?_?#!#)( I TOLD YOU TO TELL ME TO STOP IF IT GOT TOO PERSONAL

 **bark bark grr:** anyway

 **dirt enthusiast:** did we just forget chrollo fight after the brief hey take your meds self care moment or like

 **senior citizen:** RIGHT YEAH so

 **senior citizen:** kurapika pairo and i were at kurapika's house in the kitchen making dough for frybread and everything was fine but suddenly one of the big ass pitbull terrier mix dogs started going absolutely bonkers right

 **senior citizen:** so pairo peeks out the window and he just stops before slowly turning away and looking like he just saw a couple making out in the hallway a little too enthusiastically and kurapika was like "what?" and looked and who is there but chrollo lucilfer and i think one of his homies that short one with the collar over his face

 **senior citizen:** and i've never seen kurapika go utterly unhinged so quickly. he dropped the dough on the ground and opened the window and jumped out it and BOOKED IT towards chrollo and all i remember after that is him screaming "SKODEN" and chrollo falling to the ground

 **god:** NOT THE SKODEN

 **bark bark grr:** STILL ANGRY. you've done enough colonizer boy go back to your little cul de sac so your neighbor jeremy his wife sarah and his kids emma and joshua can hold a barbecue and make white people jokes

 **googoo gaga:** NOT THE WHITE PEOPLE JOKES please i overheard him at lunch with a bag of chips from the kiosk going "someone has to take these away from me 🤭🤭" i can't do it anymore

 **dirt enthusiast:** PLEAAAASE i just know it was baked lays originals. thinking about the time someone gave him takis and he almost cried because it was "spicy"

 **bark bark grr:** wait i got it. this is how i can still win. feed chrollo enough takis he might just drop dead.

 **senior citizen:** can you guys shut up i'm trying to have a life

 **god:** GO TO HELL


	4. mac n tears

**[poop room]**

**googoo gaga:** kurapika is unhinged i've decided

 **dirt enthusiast:** unhinged.........yeas

 **god:** did you just notice

 **senior citizen:** they dyed their hair (it's a they day)

 **god:** THEY WHAT. what color

 **bark bark grr:** not understanding the concern this came out pretty well.

 **senior citizen:** sunshine i love you but you look like my mom when she had her red hair phase

 **bark bark grr:** you're wrong. incorrect beyond belief. that's old person red this is not

 **senior citizen:** no i meant her high school punk phase red

 **googoo gaga:** isn't that how your mom and kurapika's mom met......aw kurapika it runs in the family to be a funky little crazy person ❤️

 **god:** send now

 **dirt enthusiast:** SEND NOW !!

**bark bark grr:** _image attachment_

**god:**.

 **god:** why do you have a stick and poke tattoo on your face you (also fuck u leorio it actually looks decent besides the fact it makes them look more emo)

 **bark bark grr:** artistic expression

 **senior citizen:** that's code for had a meltdown so hard from college stress that they sobbed into their mac n cheese for like 5 minutes before buying hair dye at the drug store and going wild with it. also stick and poke tattoos

 **bark bark grr:** i wanted matching ones but someone said no

 **googoo gaga:** to be fair you calcified pizza dough to a pan i wouldn't trust you with my skin either

 **dirt enthusiast:** wait drug store hair dye ✋ what brand was it??

 **bark bark grr:** umm....hold on

 **bark bark grr:** "splat"

 **god:** KURAPIKA¥{¢}€{¢{¢

 **bark bark grr:**. i didn't even look this is literally never coming out ✋ unless i bleach my hair to hell and back

 **googoo gaga:** good thing you'll be in your emo phase forever at this point!

 **bark bark grr:** WTF


	5. home of sexu ally tea

**_[ poop room ]_ **

**bark bark grr:** cries. starts crying.

**senior citizen:** sunshine, you don't have to expose yourself every time this happens

**bark bark grr:** i need to vent my frustrations. my humiliations.

**senior citizen:** why would you want to.

**bark bark grr:** i'm failing as a partner. i'm going to go insane by age 30 and in the meantime i can't even cook pancakes.

**_[ god_ ** _ has changed  _ **_bark bark grr_ ** _ 's name to  _ **_gordon ramsays mortal enemy. ]_ **

**gordon ramsays mortal enemy:** make that 25.

**senior citizen:** you're twenty i think you have more than five years of sanity left

**gordon ramsays mortal enemy:** you're wrong. look at the abomination i have to deal with

**god:** the only abomination is whatever you did to pancakes. how did you mess up pancakes you're so fuckin nuts

**dirt enthusiast:** pancakes are easy to mess up!!!! i burn them on accident a lot :((

**god:** you get a pass. emperor stupid does not

**googoo gaga:** wait what are the details of pancake disaster

**gordon ramsays mortal enemy:** oh please why do you make me recount this

**god:** you lying ass bitch you were waiting for someone to ask so you could complain

**gordon ramsays mortal enemy:** can you simply quit speaking. anyway

**gordon ramsays mortal enemy:** this morning, leorio went to get bread and the such and i decided i'd be a good partner and make pancakes. i got on google and looked and found a recipe for peanut butter chocolate pancakes, and i thought that was perfect. so, i got out all the things i needed. everything was going fine, with the mixing and all, and i put the pan on the stove. i failed to remember the burner i used is the hottest one, and, by the time i had the first three pancakes cooked, it was smoking like a motherfucker and entirely massacred the poor things. i had to rinse it out and all that before putting butter in and getting it on the least hot burner.

**gordon ramsays mortal enemy:** things were going fine, as far as i knew, from that point forward. however, once they were all well and cooked, leorio had just gotten home, and we sat down to eat and i was proud of myself because i had figured i'd avoided a true disaster. we started eating, and i felt like an accomplished partner, a tradwife even /j, but then i got the most sour taste in my mouth because i bit into a damned clump of baking powder.

**googoo gaga:** oh no. that's actually the worst rip asf 🔥

**gordon ramsays mortal enemy:** yeah. so i run to the garbage and hack that out of my mouth, because ew, and leorio's like "what's the matter" so i tell him and he goes "well i haven't run into one yet" which solidifies his place as sweetest boyfriend ever even if he lied to my face that he liked them. as soon as i said "these suck" he was like. "yea…..these kinda suck".

**senior citizen:** you were so happy with yourself i didn't want to say anything 💔 i like it when you're happy and it doesn't happen a ton

**senior citizen:** it doesn't matter anyway, pika. you're already all i could and would ever ask for :-)

**gordon ramsays mortal enemy:** cries. you made me cry.

**dirt enthusiast:** you don't cry ever because you're emotionally constipated :((

**gordon ramsays mortal enemy:** bye. it's actually harrowing how blunt you are sometimes

**god:** gay people asf 🔥

**senior citizen:** not this from homosexual of the year

**god:** i.

**googoo gaga:** when you two get married i'm going to sit in the front row and dab at my eyes with a handkerchief like a weathered old grandmother watching her favorite grandchild get married

**gordon ramsays mortal enemy:** rez wedding ❤️

**googoo gaga:** STOP the food would just be ritz crackers pepperoni and sliced cheese with bepsi

**gordon ramsays mortal enemy:** that's awful. you're right

**senior citizen:** when we get married it'll be perfect and everything you want, sunshine ❤️

**gordon ramsays mortal enemy:** aw.

**gordon ramsays mortal enemy:** wait

**gordon ramsays mortal enemy:** "WHEN"??


End file.
